AGE

The hospice nurse and I met with "Sophia's" daughter, "Ann", at the hospital yesterday to discuss our hospice program and the supports that are available. Sophia has spent two weeks in the hospital with treatment for her damaged lungs. Prior to this hospitalization, Sophia had been living alone in her own home.

Now, Sophia, is totally dependent with all of her needs. She is confused, weak, bedridden and only mumbles a few words at a time. Ann's priority is to do what she thinks is best for her mom. Her goal is to discharge her mom home.

The same nurse and I went out this afternoon to Sophia's home as she was discharged home this morning. Sophia has not eaten or taken in any fluid for days. It is obvious that she is dying, but her daughter cannot even go there. A large part of grief is denial. Denial allows one to grasp the reality in baby steps. Ann has a medical background and wants to do tasks that will make mom stronger and return her back to her recent baseline. Emotionally Ann admits that she is on a "roller coaster ride." Intellectually, I know she knows the truth.

It is always amazing to me as age has nothing to do with one's grief. Ann is losing her mother. That loss is huge. If I have a 90 year old patient, I tell family that mom could be 190 years old and you would feel the same, "It is much too soon."

I hope Ann the best and fortunately our hospice program follows up for thirteen months with bereavement support. This is a perfect example on how powerful grief is for all of us.


AGE　

Her mother's decline has been quick.
Two months ago, she was living alone.
Now she is confused, bedridden,
not talking and totally dependent.

The daughter's focus is all about mom.
Her, "I want to be in charge", statement says it all.
She is a nurse practitioner and knows medicine,
but can't accept mom likely only has days.

She has hired full time attendants
making sure mom has total care.
She struggles taking care of herself,
seldom going home to rest.

Mom is no longer eating or drinking
as chokes on food and water.
We discussed the end of life expectations,
but daughter may still want a feeding tube.

"What would your mom tell you to do?
She's trusted you to express her wishes."
"She will get stronger. She just has to.
I can't talk about those things!"

Mom turned ninety-eight months ago.
Daughter can only mourn losing her mom.
In the end it is beautifully only about love
as, when grieving, age is by no means ever
          an important matter at all.