DENIAL IS

Three years ago, the doctors discovered a benign tumor by a fluke. The tumor is threatening my optic nerve. I have been watched closely since that time with annual appointments, MRIs and visual field tests. All was well, until four months ago, I was told by my surgeon that the tumor has been slowly growing. He wanted to wait five months to watch it.

I agreed, but pretty quickly I discovered I could not live knowing that at any time my peripheral vision may diminish. Any visual deficits is irreversible. My doctor consulted his colleagues and they all agreed that it was a valid surgery and waiting would be riskier. I have come to terms with needing this surgery as the alternative would be blindness.

My surgery is less than two weeks away and I am having great days, but stressful moments. Yesterday, I spoke with a Nurse Practitioner at the surgery clinic, who informed me of the surgery and what to expect during recovery. It made it all so real, which is a bit scary. It was a stressful day for me.

Today, I am doing great and realize I am in some denial, which is so helpful. I know what is ahead, but when talking about it, it is like it is someone else. So often folks want another to be realistic and know the truth, but, for me, denial can also be one’s best friend.

ADDENDUM: I wrote this poem six months ago. It was a long recovery, but I am now back to normal. This experience has changed me so much for the better. I appreciate each day knowing that the result could not have gone as well as it has. I thank my God; my spirit daily.


DENIAL IS

Denial is an emotion.
It helps us cope in baby steps.
A new diagnosis is shocking and scary.
Denial allows us relief from reality.

Intellectually, we know the entire truth,
but emotionally, we can be all over the board.
Knowing the truth is important,
but it can also be overpowering.

When overwhelmed, we cannot think rationally.
We are captured; distracted; helpless.
Denial allows reality to slowly creep in
to gradually grasp what lies ahead.

Denial is an emotion.
It helps me cope in baby steps.
A new diagnosis is shocking and scary.
Denial allows me relief from reality.