I first met “Samantha” last week. Samantha suffers from brain cancer. It was obvious that her time was close as she had stopped eating two days earlier. She sleeps most of her days, although the day I visited, family had her out in the backyard in her wheelchair sitting in the sun. She could only speak a few words and it wasn’t clear how much she was understanding of what was going on around her.
Samantha has been married to “Jim” for twenty-two years. Jim is realistic about his wife’s decline and is aware that her time is limited. I spoke with Jim about the end-of-life process and left literature for him to read to help him understand what to expect.
I called Jim about 9:15 this morning to check in with him and to offer a visit. I woke him up with the phone call and he asked that I call him back in a little while as he wasn’t fully awake. I was going to call him in about an hour, but it didn’t feel quite right and so I waited thirty minutes longer.
When Jim answered my second call at 10:45, the first thing he told me was how thankful he was that I had woken him up at 9:15. He said he went to sit with Samantha after that first call and she peacefully died thirty minutes later. He said if I hadn’t called, she would have died alone while he was sleeping in the other room.
I told him that patients die when the time is perfect for them. They have control over when they let go. I told him that likely Samantha was waiting for him to get up, whether it was at 9:15 or later. I added that Samantha gave him the gift of leaving in his presence, while he also gave her the same gift back. It was a gift exchange between the two of them.
As a hospice social worker, I have had many similar experiences that bring up spiritual questions for me. Did Samantha nudge me to call Jim, was it God’s guidance, or could it have just been a coincidence? I don’t buy it being a coincidence as I do not believe in them. My take on it is that a coincidence is God’s way of directing us down here on Earth. I believe we need to be open in order to hear them. One day, hopefully, we all will know the answers, but until then, divine guidance makes sense to me. What do you think? There are no wrong conclusions.
DID?
Did she know that time was crucial?
Did she need him to wake up then?
Did she nudge me to call him?
Did she know that I would hear?
He knew her time was close.
He knew he wanted to be there.
He planned on getting up at six.
My call woke him three hours later.
He asked me to phone him back in a while.
He said he was still half asleep.
So I waited an hour and a half to call.
Somehow sooner didn’t feel right.
He was so thankful for my earlier call.
He was thankful that I woke him up,
as he was right there by her side
when she peacefully died thirty minutes later.
She was waiting for him to get up.
She would have waited longer if needed.
He was there for her and her for him.
An exchange of gifts between two souls.
Did she know that time was crucial?
Did she need him to wake up then?
Did she nudge me to call him?
How did she know that I would hear?
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Saturday, January 19, 2013
VISITING
“Arnold”, eighty-six, who suffers from dementia, resides in a Memory Care Unit of a large Assisted Living Center. The only family Arnold has is his son “John”. Arnold and John have a wonderful relationship. They tease and joke a lot, but the love they share between each other is so obvious to those around.
During my visit today, John was talking about his mother and how she loved Thanksgiving time because it brought families together. He shared how his mom would always have her home decorated weeks before Thanksgiving. She died early one November nineteen years ago, a few weeks before her favorite holiday.
John then shared the story of the cornucopia. He said that he hasn’t told many about his experience, but still gets chills when he shares it. He spoke so kindly of his mother and what a strong influence she was in his life. John added that so much of who he is today, is because of his mother.
John believes Heaven is right here and not miles away skyward like so many of us were taught as children. It gives him peace knowing that she is still around watching over him. I truly believe that when we think of our loved ones, they are visiting. Their spirits are with us for eternity.
VISITING
With a soft, tender voice,
he speaks so lovingly about his mother.
How much she influenced his life.
“No dream is impossible if you believe it’s true.”
He talks about the time she died
almost twenty years ago this Fall.
How her favorite holiday was Thanksgiving
as it brought family home together.
She died a few weeks before that special day.
Her home already decorated in the holiday theme.
A cornucopia proudly displaying an array of flowers;
some short, some tall.
Looking at the cornucopia with thoughts of her,
he reminisced how she so loved Thanksgiving Day.
Silently saying, “I love you mom”,
hoping that she did hear.
Suddenly one tall flower started to bend
as far down as it could go.
Then sprung back up to quiver and rock.
He knew then that she was okay.
Heaven is not that far away.
“It is just right here”.
Whenever he thinks of her, she will be visiting.
A spiritual reunion between two hearts.
During my visit today, John was talking about his mother and how she loved Thanksgiving time because it brought families together. He shared how his mom would always have her home decorated weeks before Thanksgiving. She died early one November nineteen years ago, a few weeks before her favorite holiday.
John then shared the story of the cornucopia. He said that he hasn’t told many about his experience, but still gets chills when he shares it. He spoke so kindly of his mother and what a strong influence she was in his life. John added that so much of who he is today, is because of his mother.
John believes Heaven is right here and not miles away skyward like so many of us were taught as children. It gives him peace knowing that she is still around watching over him. I truly believe that when we think of our loved ones, they are visiting. Their spirits are with us for eternity.
VISITING
With a soft, tender voice,
he speaks so lovingly about his mother.
How much she influenced his life.
“No dream is impossible if you believe it’s true.”
He talks about the time she died
almost twenty years ago this Fall.
How her favorite holiday was Thanksgiving
as it brought family home together.
She died a few weeks before that special day.
Her home already decorated in the holiday theme.
A cornucopia proudly displaying an array of flowers;
some short, some tall.
Looking at the cornucopia with thoughts of her,
he reminisced how she so loved Thanksgiving Day.
Silently saying, “I love you mom”,
hoping that she did hear.
Suddenly one tall flower started to bend
as far down as it could go.
Then sprung back up to quiver and rock.
He knew then that she was okay.
Heaven is not that far away.
“It is just right here”.
Whenever he thinks of her, she will be visiting.
A spiritual reunion between two hearts.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
UNTIL NOW
“Shannon”, forty-seven years old, suffers from melanoma. She was diagnosed over three years ago. She had been doing quite well, until two months ago, when the doctors found that the cancer had spread to her brain.
Shannon lives with “Art”, her husband of twenty-two years. Shannon and Art have two teenage children; eighteen year old “Anthony” and sixteen year old, “Kayla”. Shannon has been on hospice for about three weeks, but today was the first time I met her as another social worker did the initial visit.
I found Shannon, in the backyard sun, sitting in her wheelchair. Her head was hanging forward and she was sound asleep. Her sister, “Nora” was sitting by her side. Nora is from out of town and is staying for the duration to help Art with Shannon’s care.
While Nora stayed by her sister, Art and I sat nearby to talk. Art said that Shannon had taken a sudden downturn five days ago. She has few lucid moments now and is eating very little. He said the family all had believed that Shannon would one day recover from her cancer. It has just been a few weeks that they all have become aware of the truth and have started to grieve.
While we were talking, Anthony walked out and sat down with us. When I asked Anthony how he was coping, he so eloquently started to share his emotions. He added that playing sports help him cope as he can then escape for a little while. Anthony was aware of what he was feeling and knew what he needed to do; something many adults often struggle with. He stated some concerns he had about his sister. I asked him what his concerns were and he shared that Kayla has always kept her emotions in check. Anthony’s father then stated, “I never knew that.”
Anthony is such a wise, old soul in a young man’s body. He has always and, I have no doubt, will continue to teach all of us.
UNTIL NOW
He’s tall, he’s lanky.
Dressed in sweatshirt and jeans.
A typical teenage kid?
He is not typical at all.
His mother’s been sick for a few years.
She has had her ups and downs.
She would always be able to bounce back;
until now.
She has taken a downward turn.
It’s obvious she likely has just a week or two.
These past few days have been hard on them all.
Emotions overflowing.
He has such amazing insight;
not just of himself but others around.
He will easily tell you how he feels
using words that effortlessly flow.
He is grieving, he is coping.
He is doing what he needs to do.
He and his dad have deep conversations.
He’s the one who guides his father along.
He expresses his concerns about his younger sister.
She has always held her emotions in check.
His father had never been aware of that,
until now.
He spoke of what would help her.
He spoke of what their mother needs.
Wise words coming from an old soul;
who just turned
eighteen.
Shannon lives with “Art”, her husband of twenty-two years. Shannon and Art have two teenage children; eighteen year old “Anthony” and sixteen year old, “Kayla”. Shannon has been on hospice for about three weeks, but today was the first time I met her as another social worker did the initial visit.
I found Shannon, in the backyard sun, sitting in her wheelchair. Her head was hanging forward and she was sound asleep. Her sister, “Nora” was sitting by her side. Nora is from out of town and is staying for the duration to help Art with Shannon’s care.
While Nora stayed by her sister, Art and I sat nearby to talk. Art said that Shannon had taken a sudden downturn five days ago. She has few lucid moments now and is eating very little. He said the family all had believed that Shannon would one day recover from her cancer. It has just been a few weeks that they all have become aware of the truth and have started to grieve.
While we were talking, Anthony walked out and sat down with us. When I asked Anthony how he was coping, he so eloquently started to share his emotions. He added that playing sports help him cope as he can then escape for a little while. Anthony was aware of what he was feeling and knew what he needed to do; something many adults often struggle with. He stated some concerns he had about his sister. I asked him what his concerns were and he shared that Kayla has always kept her emotions in check. Anthony’s father then stated, “I never knew that.”
Anthony is such a wise, old soul in a young man’s body. He has always and, I have no doubt, will continue to teach all of us.
UNTIL NOW
He’s tall, he’s lanky.
Dressed in sweatshirt and jeans.
A typical teenage kid?
He is not typical at all.
His mother’s been sick for a few years.
She has had her ups and downs.
She would always be able to bounce back;
until now.
She has taken a downward turn.
It’s obvious she likely has just a week or two.
These past few days have been hard on them all.
Emotions overflowing.
He has such amazing insight;
not just of himself but others around.
He will easily tell you how he feels
using words that effortlessly flow.
He is grieving, he is coping.
He is doing what he needs to do.
He and his dad have deep conversations.
He’s the one who guides his father along.
He expresses his concerns about his younger sister.
She has always held her emotions in check.
His father had never been aware of that,
until now.
He spoke of what would help her.
He spoke of what their mother needs.
Wise words coming from an old soul;
who just turned
eighteen.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
THREE BROTHERS
Eighty-nine year old “Bettie” suffers from kidney cancer. She is bed bound and, for a short while, can get up with help to sit in her wheelchair, which she dearly loves. Bettie has been divorced for over thirty-five years. She has three adult sons, who are all devoted to her and to each other.
Her youngest son, “Gregory“, lives in the home. Her other two sons; “John” and “Carl“, live nearby. Gregory is with his mother at night, but either John or Carl will spend the day to help out. John and Carl rotate their days. A few nights ago, Bettie was up all night and Gregory called John, who immediately came over to help his brother.
Carl has some health problems and is on a maintenance chemotherapy regiment every two weeks. Carl says he is in remission, but needs to continue with his treatment. If you ask Carl about how he is doing, he quickly replies, “I am doing okay”. He immediately will then turn the attention back to his mother’s needs.
All three boys put their mother first. They worry about making a mistake as want to do everything so perfectly. At times, they can get caught up in the details, but are doing a wonderful job. I reassure them with each visit that they are giving their mother what she most needs from them; love.
At first glance, it may appear chaotic and unorganized, but the three boys are so focused on what it important to them; their mother. With love on their side, they are doing an amazing job caring for her. Love binds them together. It doesn’t get any better than that.
THREE BROTHERS
They have always been close.
They have always stuck together.
So it is not surprising that now,
all three are caring for their mother.
The three of them are always around.
They support her and each other.
They stay focused and on track.
It’s so obvious to all that she comes first.
They clean the house and it stays cluttered.
The front lawn could use a mow.
There are cobwebs in the corners,
but their love for her shines through.
She is bed bound and needs a lot of help,
but you’ll hear no complaint from her.
Her face will light up with a huge smile,
full of praise for her three sons.
There have been some rough times in their lives.
Divorces, illnesses, financial strains.
But through it all, they’ll continue to stick together;
three brothers and their mother.
Her youngest son, “Gregory“, lives in the home. Her other two sons; “John” and “Carl“, live nearby. Gregory is with his mother at night, but either John or Carl will spend the day to help out. John and Carl rotate their days. A few nights ago, Bettie was up all night and Gregory called John, who immediately came over to help his brother.
Carl has some health problems and is on a maintenance chemotherapy regiment every two weeks. Carl says he is in remission, but needs to continue with his treatment. If you ask Carl about how he is doing, he quickly replies, “I am doing okay”. He immediately will then turn the attention back to his mother’s needs.
All three boys put their mother first. They worry about making a mistake as want to do everything so perfectly. At times, they can get caught up in the details, but are doing a wonderful job. I reassure them with each visit that they are giving their mother what she most needs from them; love.
At first glance, it may appear chaotic and unorganized, but the three boys are so focused on what it important to them; their mother. With love on their side, they are doing an amazing job caring for her. Love binds them together. It doesn’t get any better than that.
THREE BROTHERS
They have always been close.
They have always stuck together.
So it is not surprising that now,
all three are caring for their mother.
The three of them are always around.
They support her and each other.
They stay focused and on track.
It’s so obvious to all that she comes first.
They clean the house and it stays cluttered.
The front lawn could use a mow.
There are cobwebs in the corners,
but their love for her shines through.
She is bed bound and needs a lot of help,
but you’ll hear no complaint from her.
Her face will light up with a huge smile,
full of praise for her three sons.
There have been some rough times in their lives.
Divorces, illnesses, financial strains.
But through it all, they’ll continue to stick together;
three brothers and their mother.
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