BEING THERE

Sixty-four year old “Maureen” suffers from liver failure. Maureen is single and has lived alone most of her adult life. She has a very independent personality and is used to relying on herself for her needs.

Maureen can no longer be left alone as she is declining to where she stays in bed most of the day sleeping. She stopped eating a week ago. She may be starting into her dying process. Maureen’s mother, “Donna” lives nearby. Donna is eighty-four and tires easily. Donna wants to be involved in her daughter’s care, even though likely she could not manage due to her own health issues and age.

Maureen’s sister, “Jan” has temporarily moved in to care for her sister. Donna continues to offer to help out more, but Maureen tells her mother to just sit nearby in the living room. Maureen spends her days in the living room in her favorite recliner or her hospital bed.

Donna doesn’t realize the importance of just being there. For Maureen, her mother being there is huge. Donna wants to feel needed and often feels rejected by her daughters. I met with the family today and attempted to inform Donna that what she is doing for her daughter is so valuable. I encouraged Donna to focus on her daughter’s needs which she is fulfilling by sitting on the couch looking out at the garden. I shared that she may feel better doing additional tasks , but, for now, it is best to focus on what Maureen needs and asks for. That is the best help of all.

Most of us feel fulfilled doing tasks that show production. It gives one a sense of accomplishing something. The mere fact of being there is so amazing as it is the simple sharing of oneself to another. In the end, for most of us, that is all that we ever need from a loved one.


BEING THERE

　

She needs to feel helpful.
She thinks she knows what to do,
although feels rejected at each turn,
even though she’s asked to just be there.

She’s comes by each day.
She sits by her daughter’s side.
Looking out at the garden, watching TV.
It’s just not enough for her.

She wants to feel needed.
She wants to be a part.
She doesn’t realize the importance
of sitting quietly by the bedside.

She’s doing what her daughter asks.
She’s doing what her daughter needs.
There’s enough hands-on care.
Her daughter just wants her mom.

Hopefully she’ll come to realize
it’s not the tasks that are important,
but the simple act of being there;
the sharing of two souls,
is the best that we can do.