THE RULES

Fifty-eight year old “Hank” suffers from brain cancer. Hank gets confused easily and has a difficult time processing any thoughts. Hank is very wobbly on his feet due to weakness. He has fallen multiple times when attempting to get out of bed. Fortunately, he has never been injured.

Hank lives with his wife, “Lana”. Lana is a flight attendant for a major airline. She is using her Family Leave to stay home and care for Hank. Hank and Lana have three children all living about two hours away. Recently, they have put their home up for sale and are planning on moving to be closer to where the children all live. Lana could use the additional support the children will be able to give once they move.

Lana intellectualizes her emotions. She has this idea that there are steadfast, obscure rules that she needs to follow. She has high expectations of herself to be perfect and to not do anything wrong. She is doing an amazing job caring for Hank. Hank is very demanding of attention as he gets agitated and restless quite often. He keeps wanting to get out of bed and does not understand that he would likely fall and possibly injure himself.

Lana has been so exhausted recently due to lack of sleep as Hank keeps her up at night trying to get out of bed. In addition, she has the responsibility of getting their home ready for sale. Lana hates to ask for help and feels that she should be able to do it all.

Recently, in the middle of the night, Hank tried to bite Lana as she was attempting to keep him from getting out of bed. Lana slapped Hank on the leg to try to protect herself. She immediately felt terrible as she left a small bruise on his leg. Lana felt that she was suppose to tell someone about what she had done so she shared it with the hospice nurse. By law, the nurse was mandated to call APS (Adult Protective Services). APS quickly made an unannounced visit and spoke with Lana about the incident.

I followed up with a visit the following day. Lana and I have a good relationship as she is like a sponge whenever I counsel her on her emotions and grief or discuss the strains of being a caregiver. I try to help her put into perspective what she is going through.

Lana feels that once they move, which may be in a few weeks, things will get better. She knows her children will be able to help out a lot more. Also, she plans on going back to work for a few flights each month. She said her work is what keeps her sane.

I hope in time, she can look back and know what an amazing job she did caring for her husband. This is such a difficult time for both of them and with encouragement and support, I have no doubt that they will make it through.


THE RULES


She always goes by the book.
She makes sure she understands the rules.
She wants to do everything just right.
It is the only way she knows.

The cancer has made him confused.
He’s weak and can no longer walk.
Agitation keeps him up at night.
Neither can get a good night’s sleep.

She has the patience of a saint with him.
She’s devoted and never complains.
She continues to expect a lot from herself,
even though she could use additional help.

He had her up all night long.
He kept trying to get out of bed.
She was so exhausted with nothing left.
She slapped his leg to make him stop.

She feels she did something terribly wrong,
although her intent was to keep him safe.
She feels others would not have broken the rule.
She has a hard time forgiving herself.

I pray someday she will look back
and see all the right things that she has done.
Maybe in time she’ll bend a few rules,
or better yet,
break a big one
without any regret.