Sixty year old “Valerie” suffered from multiple strokes, leaving her paralyzed and unable to speak. She spent her days lying in bed as she was totally dependent with all of her needs.
Valerie was married to “Joe”, who was her primary caregiver. Joe was a huge “teddy-bear” kind of guy with the biggest heart of anyone I have known. It was so apparent how much he loved Valerie. He was devoted to her and constantly told her how much he loved her. She was totally alert and aware and communicated by mouthing her words.
Valerie took a downward turn several weeks ago. It was then when she came onto hospice. Both Joe and Valerie had a strong Christian faith with a belief in God and the afterlife. Joe said that Valerie was at peace as she knew where she was going.
About two weeks ago, Joe was lying next to Valerie in their bed. Joe said that he was telling Valerie how much he loved her when they both noticed a shadow and then a sound of a “clink”. Joe said it sounded like a dinner plate. Valerie immediately mouthed to Joe that it was his father’s spirit. Joe said that they both believed that loved ones are always with us, but it is nice to get a reminder now and then.
When I heard that Valerie had died early this morning, I called Joe as I had a scheduled visit planned for this afternoon. Joe asked that I still come out as he needed the support.
Joe and I sat at the kitchen table and he, in his typical fashion, started sharing how much he loved Valerie and how blessed he was to have her in his life. He said the fourteen years they were together was a lifetime of living.
He shared the story about hearing the “clink” of his father’s spirit. He then added that, while he and other family members were sitting around the kitchen table earlier today, they heard a “clink” of a dinner plate a few feet away. Joe says it gives him peace to know that Valerie is, and will always be, around.
“CLINK”
He is an amazing guy.
He loved her so much and it showed.
He talked about how they met.
How she changed his life for the better.
He is forever grateful
God placed her in his life.
Each day with her a blessing.
Each day, a special gift.
These past few weeks have been tough
as he brought her home to die.
He intuitively knew what she needed,
even though she could no longer talk.
He laid down next to her in their bed,
telling her how much he loved her.
First a shadow, then a sound like a “clink”.
She mouthed that it was his dad’s spirit.
They both believed in the afterlife.
They both felt the spirit of his dad.
It gave them comfort to know
that loved ones are always around.
He woke up this morning and found her gone.
He called family who gathered around.
Sitting in the kitchen grieving the loss,
suddenly all heard a dinner plate go
“Clink”.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
CHARM
Eighty-eight year old “Bobby” has been on hospice for over six months. Bobby suffers from prostate cancer which has spread to his bones. He had been doing pretty well until the past few weeks where he has been in a slow, but steady decline. Each time I visit, he looks a little bit weaker.
Bobby loves to tell stories of his childhood, military years and his career as a beat cop. He has this charming way of spinning a tale which captivates those listening. Add to that, his great sense of humor which always makes a perfect combination. There is always a lot of laughter and storytelling in his home.
Bobby’s daughter, “Brenda”, moved in to help once Bobby could no longer live alone. She is a Catholic nun and has tremendous support from her church and sisterhood community. She inherited her father’s gift of telling stories. The two of them will get going with a story while constantly interrupting each other. It is a joy to witness.
Bobby always makes one feel so special. He acts like your visit is the light in his day. In reality, it is the hospice staff that are blessed with every visit. This past week has been hard on Bobby as he has been so nauseas and unable to keep anything down. When the nurse visited him yesterday, she had him admitted to the hospital for treatment.
The hospice nurse and I visited Bobby today in the hospital. When we first walked into his room, he looked so sick. I immediately became so sad with the reality that his disease was progressing. Bobby heard us walk in and slowly opened his eyes. When he saw who it was, he immediately produced this amazing smile.
The medication had him so drowsy that he would doze on and off during our visit. When Bobby was awake, he would try to talk to us. He was a bit hard to understand because he was pretty weak, but he still had his wit and charm about him. Brenda happened to share an amusing antidote that had happened earlier that morning. The hospice nurse then asked Bobby if he had gotten himself in trouble. Bobby sleepily replied, “Trouble has a way of following me.” His wit and charm continued to shine even in his drowsy state.
I sure would like to believe that he will take his wonderful personality with him wherever he goes. He has left a huge imprint in his life and will be missed by all who have had the honor to have met him.
CHARM
When we stopped in and saw him,
suddenly I became so sad.
He looked so sick.
He looked so vulnerable.
He was sleeping when we walked in,
but slowly he opened his eyes.
When he saw that it was us,
in his typical fashion,
he produced a wonderful smile.
He grabbed a large part of my heart
from the moment I first met him.
His humor, his smile, his charm.
He had me right from the start.
I knew he was in a slow decline.
I have known his time is short.
But with each visit, each change,
he could always snag me
with that captivating charm.
I know I will miss him when he is gone.
He is someone I will never forget.
But I also know that those on the other side
will be just as enthralled
with that huge smile
and his amazing charm.
Bobby loves to tell stories of his childhood, military years and his career as a beat cop. He has this charming way of spinning a tale which captivates those listening. Add to that, his great sense of humor which always makes a perfect combination. There is always a lot of laughter and storytelling in his home.
Bobby’s daughter, “Brenda”, moved in to help once Bobby could no longer live alone. She is a Catholic nun and has tremendous support from her church and sisterhood community. She inherited her father’s gift of telling stories. The two of them will get going with a story while constantly interrupting each other. It is a joy to witness.
Bobby always makes one feel so special. He acts like your visit is the light in his day. In reality, it is the hospice staff that are blessed with every visit. This past week has been hard on Bobby as he has been so nauseas and unable to keep anything down. When the nurse visited him yesterday, she had him admitted to the hospital for treatment.
The hospice nurse and I visited Bobby today in the hospital. When we first walked into his room, he looked so sick. I immediately became so sad with the reality that his disease was progressing. Bobby heard us walk in and slowly opened his eyes. When he saw who it was, he immediately produced this amazing smile.
The medication had him so drowsy that he would doze on and off during our visit. When Bobby was awake, he would try to talk to us. He was a bit hard to understand because he was pretty weak, but he still had his wit and charm about him. Brenda happened to share an amusing antidote that had happened earlier that morning. The hospice nurse then asked Bobby if he had gotten himself in trouble. Bobby sleepily replied, “Trouble has a way of following me.” His wit and charm continued to shine even in his drowsy state.
I sure would like to believe that he will take his wonderful personality with him wherever he goes. He has left a huge imprint in his life and will be missed by all who have had the honor to have met him.
CHARM
When we stopped in and saw him,
suddenly I became so sad.
He looked so sick.
He looked so vulnerable.
He was sleeping when we walked in,
but slowly he opened his eyes.
When he saw that it was us,
in his typical fashion,
he produced a wonderful smile.
He grabbed a large part of my heart
from the moment I first met him.
His humor, his smile, his charm.
He had me right from the start.
I knew he was in a slow decline.
I have known his time is short.
But with each visit, each change,
he could always snag me
with that captivating charm.
I know I will miss him when he is gone.
He is someone I will never forget.
But I also know that those on the other side
will be just as enthralled
with that huge smile
and his amazing charm.
Monday, September 12, 2011
REALITY
Eighty-eight year old “Bob” suffers from end stage lung disease. He is also bed bound due to suffering a multitude of additional health problems. He has had moments of confusion, although recently his confusion has increased along with some additional paranoia. He is unable to ambulate so spends his days in a hospital bed in the family room.
Bob’s wife, “Annie”, whom he calls “Mother”, has been in and out of the hospital recently due to her own health issues. Currently she is in a skilled nursing facility receiving physical therapy from two broken hips. Bob and Annie’s son, “Chris”, has moved in to help out. Chris was recently laid off from his job and is on unemployment. Chris says that it is a blessing to not be working in order for him to be available to help his parents.
Chris met me at the front door when I went out to do a visit today. He shared that dad is more confused and paranoid this afternoon. I walked into the family room and Bob seemed anxious to talk with me. He complained that they didn’t let him get up to walk. He was very frustrated and would whisper so Chris wouldn’t hear our conversation.
The hospice nurse had a visit scheduled right after my visit and Bob asked that I stay until the nurse showed up. He appeared afraid to be left alone with his son. Chris is doing a fabulous job caring for his dad and takes all of his dad’s comments in stride.
While we were waiting for the nurse, Bob asked to use my pen. He started writing on a piece of paper that was lying nearby. He was gesturing for me not to show Chris. I told him I would read it after I leave.
When the nurse showed up, I updated him on the situation so he would be aware. I opened the note while sitting in my car in front of Bob’s house. The note said “Dear Mother. I am prisoner here, prisoner here”. I felt sad reading it as I knew this was Bob’s truth. There is nothing anyone can do to help him understand that Chris is a loving, attentive son.
Somehow I wonder why some people have to suffer so much, especially at the end of their life. There just is no answer. It is what it is. Bob is teaching us all to appreciate our physical and emotional health. Both are a gift and never to be taken lightly. I suppose we all need reminders now and then.
REALITY
He’s been sick for quite a while.
His decline is steady but slow.
He’s in bed all day long now.
He still thinks he can get up and walk.
He feels like he is a prisoner
where they are the ones in charge.
He feels he has lost all control of his life,
They tell him what to do.
His confusion has made him paranoid.
His reality has dramatically changed.
Why has his family turned on him?
He keeps trying to solicit help.
He is reacting to his reality,
He’s responding to his truth.
His world consists of imagined beliefs.
His fears are all too real.
No matter what is false.
No matter what is true.
He believes what he believes.
It will be like this until the end.
Trapped by his own reality.
He’ll continue to remain unaware.
Sadly his family can only stand by
with a reality of their own.
Bob’s wife, “Annie”, whom he calls “Mother”, has been in and out of the hospital recently due to her own health issues. Currently she is in a skilled nursing facility receiving physical therapy from two broken hips. Bob and Annie’s son, “Chris”, has moved in to help out. Chris was recently laid off from his job and is on unemployment. Chris says that it is a blessing to not be working in order for him to be available to help his parents.
Chris met me at the front door when I went out to do a visit today. He shared that dad is more confused and paranoid this afternoon. I walked into the family room and Bob seemed anxious to talk with me. He complained that they didn’t let him get up to walk. He was very frustrated and would whisper so Chris wouldn’t hear our conversation.
The hospice nurse had a visit scheduled right after my visit and Bob asked that I stay until the nurse showed up. He appeared afraid to be left alone with his son. Chris is doing a fabulous job caring for his dad and takes all of his dad’s comments in stride.
While we were waiting for the nurse, Bob asked to use my pen. He started writing on a piece of paper that was lying nearby. He was gesturing for me not to show Chris. I told him I would read it after I leave.
When the nurse showed up, I updated him on the situation so he would be aware. I opened the note while sitting in my car in front of Bob’s house. The note said “Dear Mother. I am prisoner here, prisoner here”. I felt sad reading it as I knew this was Bob’s truth. There is nothing anyone can do to help him understand that Chris is a loving, attentive son.
Somehow I wonder why some people have to suffer so much, especially at the end of their life. There just is no answer. It is what it is. Bob is teaching us all to appreciate our physical and emotional health. Both are a gift and never to be taken lightly. I suppose we all need reminders now and then.
REALITY
He’s been sick for quite a while.
His decline is steady but slow.
He’s in bed all day long now.
He still thinks he can get up and walk.
He feels like he is a prisoner
where they are the ones in charge.
He feels he has lost all control of his life,
They tell him what to do.
His confusion has made him paranoid.
His reality has dramatically changed.
Why has his family turned on him?
He keeps trying to solicit help.
He is reacting to his reality,
He’s responding to his truth.
His world consists of imagined beliefs.
His fears are all too real.
No matter what is false.
No matter what is true.
He believes what he believes.
It will be like this until the end.
Trapped by his own reality.
He’ll continue to remain unaware.
Sadly his family can only stand by
with a reality of their own.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
ROSE'S STORY
Ninety-three year old “Tom” suffers from kidney cancer. He has been living in an Assisted Living Center for six months. He has declined the past few weeks where now he is in bed most of the time. Staff from the facility check on him every two hours and attend to any needs.
Tom was widowed one year ago after his wife of sixty-seven years, Rose, died of cancer. Tom is aware that he is declining and feels his time is running out. During my visit this week, Tom started talking about his wife’s childhood. He was so proud of her and of what she became in spite of all the struggles she endured growing up.
Poverty was a big part of that struggle. Also her parents traveled in the circus and she was sent to her aunt’s home in another state. She was loved like a daughter, but always had a sense of not quite belonging.
Tom met Rose while both were attending college and he was instantly smitten. This was during the years where women were expected to stay home and become wives and mothers; not attend college.
Recently Tom started writing Rose’s story on a yellow legal pad. He is slowly becoming weaker and is struggling with putting his words together. When I asked him if he would like a hospice volunteer to help him complete Rose’s story, his face just lit up. He feels it is so important that his children know their mother’s background and the family history.
Tom spoke about how his father was drafted into the Turkish army and subsequently escaped to France. He would love to know the story about his father’s daring adventure, but there is no one to ask. He doesn’t want his children to have the same unanswered questions. He is anxious to get her story down on paper because, at his death, there will be no one else to ask.
This is a strong reminder for each of us to ask and document our own family histories. Tom has taught me that each of us is a walking history book that needs to be shared in order for future generations to know about their own family history.
ROSE’S STORY
He wants to tell Rose’s story.
He wants their children to know
all about their mother’s childhood;
all about her life.
The poverty that existed;
the difficulties abound.
It may help them understand her
by the struggles she endured.
He’ll tell them about the circus.
How it kept her parents away.
Her mother a trick pony rider;
her father a cook.
How she was raised by relatives
miles away in another state.
How they loved her like a daughter,
but somehow she never fit in.
She was strong, she was determined,
a trailblazer in her time.
How she graduated college
while her peers tended home.
He wants to write it all down
so their grandchildren too will know
all about their grandmother;
all about their ancestry.
No faded memories.
No questions left unturned.
Her legacy handwritten on paper.
A family heirloom forevermore.
He knows the clock is ticking.
He knows his time is near.
One last wish before he dies
is all wrapped up in
Rose’s story.
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