SAYING GOODBYE

Seventy-nine year old "Betty" has been on hospice for almost one year. She suffers from lung cancer and had been doing quite well. The moment I met her, I fell in love with her. She has spunk and I saw bits of myself in her personality. She handled her dying in a way that I think I may if I were dying.

I visit almost weekly. Not because she needs it, but because she is such a delight to be around. She has slowly been declining and becoming weaker. The nurse on the case informed me that Betty was not doing well at all. She was now in bed and probably starting her dying process.

I called Betty's daughter and asked if I could come out to make a visit. I had to go say goodbye as much for me as for the patient. Betty had been sleeping most of the time, but while I was with her, she was alert and we had a good talk.

I told her that I would never forget her and that she had made an impact on my life. I asked her to give me a wink as she was passing by. She said she would. She had no fears about dying, but did share that her biggest concern were her two daughters. I assured her that I would be following up to make sure that they were getting the support they needed. I spoke about hospice's bereavement follow-up support that is available. Betty died peacefully two days later.

As a hospice worker, we often get attached to our patients and families as our time with them is very intimate and special. Some patients touch us in a very personal way. It is always hard for families to say goodbye, but it can be hard for us to also say goodbye.


SAYING GOODBYE

I heard you weren't doing well.
I heard there was a big decline.
You're now in bed; not getting up.
I needed to come to say goodbye.

Walking into your bedroom was hard
as I knew this would be the final time.
One last time to talk to you.
To tell you how I feel.

I wanted to make sure you knew
what an impact you have made
on those around who love you so.
Your legacy will be profound.

Have a beautiful journey.
I'll see you on the other side.
Give me a wink as you pass by.
But for now
I'll just say
Goodbye.

ALL ALONE

Fifty-eight year old "Sylvia" suffers from liver cancer. She lives alone and has always been able to manage. Last week, she became so weak, she ended up in the hospital. It was then she knew she could not return home as she could no longer care for herself.

She chose to go to a Board and Care home where she would get the help she needed. Sylvia has stopped eating and likely will die soon. She stated that she has no friends. Her only family is a niece, "Rita", who lives on the East Coast. Sylvia was so weak and spoke so slowly, it was difficult to carry on a conversation with her. She would become confused, likely from the pain medication, and then correct herself.

Sylvia gave me her niece's telephone number. I was able to leave Rita a voice message on her phone. Sylvia was a legal secretary and I asked her if there was an attorney I could call for her to help establish her estate and final affairs. She denied knowing any and asked if I would call one for her. Anticipating ahead, I had previously printed out a listing of local estate attorneys. I randomly picked one off that list.

Fate was on my side as the attorney was willing to meet with Sylvia the next day. He said that she had to be of sound mind to make these legal and financial decisions. I could hear in his voice how much he wanted to help. After talking with him, I knew that I had chosen the right attorney for Sylvia.

The next day, I received a phone call from Rita who said that she and her father, Sylvia's half-brother, had flown in from Virginia. Rita said that her relationship with Sylvia had been mostly e-mails. Six months could go by without any communication between the two of them.

Rita and her father met with the attorney at the Board and Care home. Sylvia was able to verbalize her wishes regarding her estate. The family and attorney returned the following day with the needed paperwork for Sylvia's signature.

Rita was also able to find out where Sylvia had made pre-paid funeral arrangements. In addition, they also discovered that Sylvia's home is in a trust which is helpful. Rita's brother, Sylvia's nephew, is an attorney in Maryland. He will be the executor of her estate.

I wrote the following poem the day I met Sylvia which was one day prior to meeting her family. It is a wonderful feeling to have been involved with something that had such a positive outcome for all. Sylvia's affairs will be in order and the family has been able to connect and say goodbye.


ALL ALONE

She has always been a loner.
Never depending upon anyone else.
Her one family member; a niece,
lives half a world away.

She likes the quiet of having no friends;
no family to share her life.
Seclusion, solitude, privacy.
Always preferring to be alone.

But now that she is dying
who will speak when she cannot?
It's never been a problem before
as she has always handled things quite well.

She is so weak, it is hard to talk.
The medicine makes her confused.
She lies in bed with no one around.
The end of an isolated road.

How many people will remember her?
How many lives did she truly touch?
But then does it really matter
as she was able to live her life
the way she wanted,

All alone.

GRANDMOTHER

Fifty-six year old "Marilyn" was admitted to hospice due to brain cancer. She recently moved in with her sister, "Anne", because she needed help and could no longer live alone. Ironically, Marilyn and Anne's ninety-five year old mother, "Vera", was also on hospice and not doing very well at all.

Right before I went on a two week vacation, I heard that Vera was close to death. When I returned two weeks later, I learned that Vera had died while I was away. I called Anne's home to check in to see on how she and her sister were coping. Anne said that her mother had lived a good long life and that it was her time.

She then shared that her daughter had given birth to a baby girl four days after her mother's death. This was Anne's first grandchild and she thought that it was very special to have a baby born so close to her mother's departure.


GRANDMOTHER

One is saying goodbye,
while another hello.
One has had a long life,
while the other has just begun.

The circle of life
brings up emotions galore.
Happiness and sadness
all because of love.

Her mother had a long life.
Longer than most ever see.
She'll miss having her around,
but knows it was her time.

Four days later a new life emerges.
Her baby granddaughter has arrived.
Softening the blow of such a great loss.
Bringing hope, love and joy.

She sees God's hand in all of this.
Creation of a perfect design.
"God's taken away one grandmother
while giving us another."

SO SAD

"Randy", a twenty-two year old, suffered from testicular cancer. He lived with his fiancee, "Carol". He had just proposed to her a few weeks before we met.

Randy was only on hospice two weeks before he died. He was very weak and stated that his first priority was his family and friends. He wanted them to visit, but due to his weakness, it was a demanding chore for him. He felt bad about wanting the visits to be short, but didn't want to be rude. He was always thinking of others.

The last few days before Randy died, he was in a lot of pain, although still concerned about being a bother to his family. The family brought Randy to the Emergency Room because they felt they could not manage his pain. He died a few hours later while in the hospital.

When I heard the news that Randy had died, my first reaction was total sadness. I felt better after speaking with his family. His grandmother felt that Randy wasn't suffering any longer and was in a better place. Randy's mother said that because he was in the hospital, all they had to do was love Randy. They didn't have to be his caregivers any longer. She said that it was comforting in the way everything played out.

It makes one wonder why someone so young has to die. Randy was wise beyond his years and maybe it was just his time to go as his work was done. I would like to believe he is needed more in another place. I am sure he continues to touch hearts and souls. I just know he touched mine.

SO SAD

I only met him two weeks ago.
I hardly knew him at all.
But he immediately tugged at my heart strings.
He was the sweetest guy.

I was shocked to hear of his sudden death.
I couldn't believe it was true.
There must have been some mistake.
Somehow it felt all wrong.

I just know that I feel so sad.
It's hard to explain why.
Probably because he was so young,
but then, he was one of the good guys.

Why is one's life cut so short
while another would survive?
There is no rhyme or reason.
Someday it would be nice to understand why.

His suffering is forever over.
We know he is in a better place.
But I am so sad for his family;
for his fiancee who shared his dreams.

I cannot even imagine the pain in their hearts.
The finality of it all must be surreal.
They will experience what they need to experience,
and as for me,
for a short while,
I'll just feel
a little sad.

CANCER SUCKS!

I have known Judy and Ray for over twenty years. I met Judy in Graduate School and was introduced to her husband Ray soon after. Ray and I took an immediate liking to each other when we discovered that we both loved black licorice.

Even though they live in another state, we remain very close. Judy and I talk weekly and have visited each other's homes often. Due to work demands and distance, we do not visit as often as both of us would like.


Ray was diagnosed with Bile Duct Cancer last week. The prognosis is poor. He will be getting radiation with hopes of prolonging his life to about 8 months. My first impulse was to fly to their home, but then I stop and realize that my stronger need is to be there in a way they need me to be.

It amazes me that I work with families with the same situation every week and feel pretty confident in my role as a social worker. But when it comes to Ray's disease, I feel so inadequate. I want to help, but don't know what to do. Judy and I will sort it all out I know. But right now I just know that "Cancer Sucks!"


CANCER SUCKS!

I work with cancer patients every day.
I truly understand their individual needs.
I always know how to help.
I typically know what to say.

But when cancer comes to someone I love,
I just know how inadequate I feel.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to say.

Being there just doesn't feel like enough.
Listening can't make things better.
I want things to be like before,
although I know it is forever changed.

Cancer is so random.
No one is immune.
It makes one pause and wonder.
What is the lesson; the purpose?

I just know that cancer does teach us
about life; about grace.
It's all about special moments.
It's all about love.

All I can do is continue to listen.
All I can do is be there for them.
But in the end I still believe,

Cancer sucks!