64 year old "Carla" suffers from breast cancer. It has spread to her bones and she is rapidly declining. Carla lives with her husband, "George", who is a retired surgeon. They have been married for twelve years and George says that she has changed his life. He shares that he is now more open and spiritual because of Carla.
He is a very intellectual man who always had total control throughout his career as a surgeon. He was attempting to use those same skills to take care of his wife. He had been resistant to ask for help from family or friends as he felt he could manage. Carla is now total care and up at night which means George is not getting any sleep as well.
He became overwhelmed, sleep deprived and not coping due to the pressures of being Carla's lone caregiver. He came to the realization that he has to hire 24 hour help. I assisted him with getting attendant care in the home. He was then able to let go of many of the duties that he had felt responsible for.
A CUDDLE
He was a surgeon by trade
dealing daily in life and death.
He was educated and well trained.
He always knew what to do.
Now that his wife is dying
he does what he's been trained to do.
Organizing, prioritizing, intellectualizing.
It has always served him well.
But this time it is not working.
He is overwhelmed and losing control.
He just wants to give her what she needs.
He wants to do things right.
He was able to finally step off the whirlwind
by allowing himself some needed relief.
He realizes it's not a surgeon she needs,
but a husband to simply be there.
When she asked him to come cuddle
he willingly laid by her side.
The tears did come when he realized
she knew what he needed all along.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
DOUBLE TIME
40 year old "Tom" suffers from melanoma. He is married with three young children, all under eight years of age. Tom is from a very large family of whom many live nearby. There are many cousins for his children to play with in the neighborhood.
"Janet", Tom's wife, works out of the home, but is struggling with her work demands and her husband's increasing needs and decline. Janet has difficulty reaching out to her family and friends for support. She told me that her mother raised her and her siblings as a single mom and did it all. She felt she should be able to do the same. Tom has been up the past two nights and Janet has had little sleep.
Meeting with her today, we talked about the gift of receiving and how it is a benefit to all. I believe she finally understood and was receptive to having a hospice volunteer come weekly. While we were talking, Janet's mother called and asked if Janet wanted her to come over to help. When Janet hung up the phone, she came to me with a big smile and said, "I did the first step. I told her YES!:"
During my visit Tom, Janet and I talked about Tom's dying. Tom said he is tired and ready for it all to be over, but he doesn't want to let his family down. Janet said that Tom's mother tells him to keep fighting. Janet gave Tom permission to go when he is ready.
We spent time talking about how letting go is not giving up. We talked about why someone so young has to die. Tom paused for a moment and what he said triggered the following poem.
DOUBLE TIME
He has always been an upbeat person.
His cup, without exception, half full.
He prefers to focus on the positives in life.
It's what get's him through each of his days.
But now he is facing his biggest battle.
He's weak; he's tired; he's had enough.
He's fought hard, but now he is done,
although doesn't want to let his family down.
His wife says it's okay if he's done,
but his mom tells him to keep up the fight.
He's tired of being such a burden.
Each day takes an additional toll.
We talked about his dying.
We talked about his life.
We talked about how it's not giving up
when he knows it's time to just let go.
I told him his life's work must be done
for it all to end so soon.
He paused for a moment and then replied,
"I must be putting in double time".
"Janet", Tom's wife, works out of the home, but is struggling with her work demands and her husband's increasing needs and decline. Janet has difficulty reaching out to her family and friends for support. She told me that her mother raised her and her siblings as a single mom and did it all. She felt she should be able to do the same. Tom has been up the past two nights and Janet has had little sleep.
Meeting with her today, we talked about the gift of receiving and how it is a benefit to all. I believe she finally understood and was receptive to having a hospice volunteer come weekly. While we were talking, Janet's mother called and asked if Janet wanted her to come over to help. When Janet hung up the phone, she came to me with a big smile and said, "I did the first step. I told her YES!:"
During my visit Tom, Janet and I talked about Tom's dying. Tom said he is tired and ready for it all to be over, but he doesn't want to let his family down. Janet said that Tom's mother tells him to keep fighting. Janet gave Tom permission to go when he is ready.
We spent time talking about how letting go is not giving up. We talked about why someone so young has to die. Tom paused for a moment and what he said triggered the following poem.
DOUBLE TIME
He has always been an upbeat person.
His cup, without exception, half full.
He prefers to focus on the positives in life.
It's what get's him through each of his days.
But now he is facing his biggest battle.
He's weak; he's tired; he's had enough.
He's fought hard, but now he is done,
although doesn't want to let his family down.
His wife says it's okay if he's done,
but his mom tells him to keep up the fight.
He's tired of being such a burden.
Each day takes an additional toll.
We talked about his dying.
We talked about his life.
We talked about how it's not giving up
when he knows it's time to just let go.
I told him his life's work must be done
for it all to end so soon.
He paused for a moment and then replied,
"I must be putting in double time".
Saturday, July 17, 2010
SEASONS
I was asked by our Bereavment Coordinator at Hospice to write a poem for the quarterly newsletter. This poem is now a part of our Bereavment packet that goes out to families. I believe that life is ever changing just like the seasons. Our loved one's spirit will always be around. We just have to be aware.
It amazed me that this poem just popped into my head and I sat down and wrote it out rather quickly. It seems, at times, that I am just the transcriber for a higher power. I am truly guided from above.
SEASONS
If you feel, I will embrace you.
I'm the warmth of Summer sun.
If you listen, you will hear me.
I'm the whisper of a Fall breeze.
If you look, you will see me.
I am the eye of a Winter storm.
If you love, you will always find me.
A springtime bud forevermore.
It amazed me that this poem just popped into my head and I sat down and wrote it out rather quickly. It seems, at times, that I am just the transcriber for a higher power. I am truly guided from above.
SEASONS
If you feel, I will embrace you.
I'm the warmth of Summer sun.
If you listen, you will hear me.
I'm the whisper of a Fall breeze.
If you look, you will see me.
I am the eye of a Winter storm.
If you love, you will always find me.
A springtime bud forevermore.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
ONE MORE CHRISTMAS
56 year old "Diane" suffers from throat cancer. She lives with her adult daughter, "Julie" and six year old grandson, "Jess". Diane had to quit her job six months ago due to her illness. She loved her job and it was a huge loss to her to have to leave it.
Diane's voice is very hoarse and she has difficulty speaking. People have a hard time hearing her on the telephone. Two of her closest girlfriends live out of state and the telephone was their primary support to each other.
Diane loves Christmas and was looking forward to having one more Christmas in five months. That hope was shattered earlier this week when her doctor said she would likely survive for only one month unless she agreed to have a tracheotomy placed. Diane chose not to have one inserted because of the complications she perceives she would have with one placed. I encouraged her to talk to other patients that have lived with a tracheotomy. Diane said that her uncle had one, which made her more determined in her decision.
I went out to do a visit this week and Diane was very tearful, but had come to terms with her choice of not having a tracheotomy placed. With this new development, she feels that life has been so unfair to her. She said her biggest regret is that she won't be able to celebrate another Christmas.
ONE MORE CHRISTMAS
All she wants it to make it.
To make it five more months.
To live until December 25th.
To celebrate one more Christmas.
She thought she had more time.
She thought she'd see next year,
until her doctor said to her,
"It's likely one more month."
It took her by surprise.
The news was a total shock.
It knocked her off her feet.
Her world turned upside down.
She's trying to regain control.
She's orgnizing; she's rearranging.
She's making memorial plans.
But then all she wants is
one more Christmas.
She can still plan her holiday.
She can wrap presents and enjoy a tree.
Who says Christmas has to be in December
when one can celebrate in July.
Diane's voice is very hoarse and she has difficulty speaking. People have a hard time hearing her on the telephone. Two of her closest girlfriends live out of state and the telephone was their primary support to each other.
Diane loves Christmas and was looking forward to having one more Christmas in five months. That hope was shattered earlier this week when her doctor said she would likely survive for only one month unless she agreed to have a tracheotomy placed. Diane chose not to have one inserted because of the complications she perceives she would have with one placed. I encouraged her to talk to other patients that have lived with a tracheotomy. Diane said that her uncle had one, which made her more determined in her decision.
I went out to do a visit this week and Diane was very tearful, but had come to terms with her choice of not having a tracheotomy placed. With this new development, she feels that life has been so unfair to her. She said her biggest regret is that she won't be able to celebrate another Christmas.
ONE MORE CHRISTMAS
All she wants it to make it.
To make it five more months.
To live until December 25th.
To celebrate one more Christmas.
She thought she had more time.
She thought she'd see next year,
until her doctor said to her,
"It's likely one more month."
It took her by surprise.
The news was a total shock.
It knocked her off her feet.
Her world turned upside down.
She's trying to regain control.
She's orgnizing; she's rearranging.
She's making memorial plans.
But then all she wants is
one more Christmas.
She can still plan her holiday.
She can wrap presents and enjoy a tree.
Who says Christmas has to be in December
when one can celebrate in July.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
IN CHARGE
82 year old "Carl" suffered from Pancreatic Cancer. Carl was the favorite son growing up and was used to having things his way. He had always been in charge and that continued throughout his life.
He was soft spoken and not much of a talker, but had always had the command of the room. Carl lived with "Beverly", his wife of 56 years. Being a retired physician, Carl knew that the course of his disease was quite often rapid.
The first few visits with Carl and Beverly were always a lot of fun as Carl would constantly do a play on words. He got a kick out of getting me, which was often. At my first visit, for example, Carl said that his biggest complaint was weakness. Later on in the conversation, Beverly was talking about a family member that lived nearby. Carl then said, "I go their weakly."
Once Carl developed the first symptoms of a decline, he retired to his bed upstairs. He seemed to turn within and stopped talking. He appeared depressed, which he always denied when asked. He would just lie in his bed and stare at the walls. He had no stimulation as he kept the radio and TV turned off.
His decline was slow and Beverly was getting exhausted. Beverly shared how she was ready for it to be over as Carl had no quality of life. She didn't want him to suffer any longer and she was ready to move on with her life.
Carl had always said that he was ready to go and his family was wondering why he had not yet let go. One week prior to Carl's death, I made a visit and asked him if he was ready to go. His reply triggered the following poem.
IN CHARGE
He has always been in charge.
Of his life,
of his family,
of his dreams.
He has always done things his way.
It has worked well for him so far.
Whatever life hands down to him,
he makes sure he is in charge.
Once he knew his cancer was terminal,
he reacted the only way he knew.
He quickly became in charge of his disease,
willing it not to slow down.
He took to his bed and turned within,
quietly waiting for the end.
No music
no TV,
no books.
Life was over and he was done.
Weeks have gone by with a gradual decline.
His family is tired and worn.
They don't know why he's not letting go.
They are ready to move on.
He's gaunt, he's weak, he lies so still,
but they know he's still in charge.
Because when he was asked if he's ready to go,
he softly whispered in a determined voice,
"Not quite yet".
He was soft spoken and not much of a talker, but had always had the command of the room. Carl lived with "Beverly", his wife of 56 years. Being a retired physician, Carl knew that the course of his disease was quite often rapid.
The first few visits with Carl and Beverly were always a lot of fun as Carl would constantly do a play on words. He got a kick out of getting me, which was often. At my first visit, for example, Carl said that his biggest complaint was weakness. Later on in the conversation, Beverly was talking about a family member that lived nearby. Carl then said, "I go their weakly."
Once Carl developed the first symptoms of a decline, he retired to his bed upstairs. He seemed to turn within and stopped talking. He appeared depressed, which he always denied when asked. He would just lie in his bed and stare at the walls. He had no stimulation as he kept the radio and TV turned off.
His decline was slow and Beverly was getting exhausted. Beverly shared how she was ready for it to be over as Carl had no quality of life. She didn't want him to suffer any longer and she was ready to move on with her life.
Carl had always said that he was ready to go and his family was wondering why he had not yet let go. One week prior to Carl's death, I made a visit and asked him if he was ready to go. His reply triggered the following poem.
IN CHARGE
He has always been in charge.
Of his life,
of his family,
of his dreams.
He has always done things his way.
It has worked well for him so far.
Whatever life hands down to him,
he makes sure he is in charge.
Once he knew his cancer was terminal,
he reacted the only way he knew.
He quickly became in charge of his disease,
willing it not to slow down.
He took to his bed and turned within,
quietly waiting for the end.
No music
no TV,
no books.
Life was over and he was done.
Weeks have gone by with a gradual decline.
His family is tired and worn.
They don't know why he's not letting go.
They are ready to move on.
He's gaunt, he's weak, he lies so still,
but they know he's still in charge.
Because when he was asked if he's ready to go,
he softly whispered in a determined voice,
"Not quite yet".
Sunday, July 4, 2010
THE POEM
53 year old "Donna" was diagnosed with a brain tumor and given six months to live. Donna was a twin and upon learning of her terminal diagnosis, she moved in with her sister "Debbie". Debbie and Donna were very close and each had such positive attitudes and laughed easily. They were a joy to be around. Donna started thinking about her memorial and located a poem that expressed her feelings so perfectly.
I typically don't attend patient's memorials, but there are always a few that I cannot miss. I wrote the following poem after attending Donna's memorial.
THE POEM
When the doctors told them six months,
it turned their world around.
It made her think about her life
and the legacy she'd leave behind.
She found the perfect poem
which expressed the words so well.
She asked her twin if she would read it
at her memorial when she's gone.
The words stated things so clearly.
She knew all would understand.
Don't cry too hard for me today.
Please don't forget I was around.
Her twin sister read the poem today
in front of family and friends.
The paper was tattered and quite worn
as it had been held by many hands.
Tears were shed as it was clear
her legacy was profound.
It wasn't six months, but fifty-four,
when we heard that beautiful poem.
I typically don't attend patient's memorials, but there are always a few that I cannot miss. I wrote the following poem after attending Donna's memorial.
THE POEM
When the doctors told them six months,
it turned their world around.
It made her think about her life
and the legacy she'd leave behind.
She found the perfect poem
which expressed the words so well.
She asked her twin if she would read it
at her memorial when she's gone.
The words stated things so clearly.
She knew all would understand.
Don't cry too hard for me today.
Please don't forget I was around.
Her twin sister read the poem today
in front of family and friends.
The paper was tattered and quite worn
as it had been held by many hands.
Tears were shed as it was clear
her legacy was profound.
It wasn't six months, but fifty-four,
when we heard that beautiful poem.
In the Beginning
My cousin Chris came over to help me get the blog set up. He has a lot more knowledge than I on computers. Well so do a lot of folks. I plan on writing hospice stories that I witness during my days as a hospice social worker. I write poetry to document these amazing stories. My goal is to educate folks that hospice is more about living and loving than about dying.
July 4th seems to be the perfect day to set this all up. I'll put my first poem on this afternoon, so keep checking. Thanks for visiting. Marilou Rennie
July 4th seems to be the perfect day to set this all up. I'll put my first poem on this afternoon, so keep checking. Thanks for visiting. Marilou Rennie
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