WHO HELPED WHOM?

I first met Ken and Lou a year ago. Ken came onto hospice suffering from stomach cancer. They both were in their eighties and were married sixty-two years. This was a very close-knit and loving family. They had three children who were so involved and present for their parents.

Ken’s health declined slowly over the six months I visited, but he would always have a smile no matter what. Not much ever got him down. Ken and Lou were devoted to each other. Ken always insisted that Lou go to the local pool to swim at least twice a week. Lou loved swimming and had many girlfriends there who gave her the needed support.

Each time I visited, the two of them would always ask how I was doing. We would talk about local restaurants, shops, nurseries etc. It seemed like most visits were just social, although I was able to help both of them, now and then, with their grief of experiencing such a loss.

I had not seen them for six months after leaving my position. I found out from the hospice nurse last week, that Ken had died. Lou had told the nurse to make sure I knew and that she would like me to come to the funeral. I was so honored to have been invited.

As I was leaving the cemetery, I went up to Lou to say goodbye. It was then she told me how I had helped both of them. I was a bit surprised, but humbled by her response. It is so easy to see what others give us, but most often, we are not aware of what we give in return. I truly believe that each and every one of us make a difference each day. We probably would be surprised at how many people we have helped along the way. To all of you; keep up the good work.


WHO HELPED WHOM?

I met them about a year ago.
I liked them from the start.
The conversation would immediately start
once I stepped foot into their home.

He shared these fascinating stories
about being a test pilot in the military.
He laughed while he told me how he once
crashed a million dollar fighter plane.

I didn’t need to visit as often as I did,
but they were such a joy to be around.
I didn’t feel that I did that much for them,
but they were always happy to see me come.

I hadn’t seem them for many months
since no longer carrying a caseload.
I found out he died last week.
She asked for me to come.

I was there as much for them as for me.
I teased her and said I didn’t do much for either of you.
She turned serious and replied,
“Yes you did. You were always there for us.”

One only sees what comes in.
We don’t notice what we give out.
I just know I am so glad to have met them.
Helping them indeed helped me too. 

HER KIDS

“Ellie”, ninety-seven, was admitted into a skilled nursing facility yesterday. Ellie suffers from cardiac disease. She is widowed and had been living alone in her own home until last week when she was admitted into the hospital due to heart complications. After a week’s stay in the hospital, it was obvious that she could no longer live alone. Ellie was discharged from the hospital yesterday to a skilled nursing facility.

The hospice nurse and I went out to admit Ellie to hospice. Ellie is alert and oriented and was able to sign her own paperwork. We just missed meeting her eldest son, “David”, as he had just left after a short visit with his mother. David lives about two hours away. He had to get home before the heavy storm that was predicted. His drive is over mountainous, snowy terrain.

Ellie was in good spirits and had easily accepted her new living situation. She had an easy smile and has always taken life as it comes. She spoke about needing someone to bring her some clothes as all she had was the hospital gown on her back. David had arranged for someone to bring his mother some much needed clothes.

Ellie spoke of her two other children, “Janice“ and “Bobby“, who live together in a neighboring state. They had just returned home as had visited while she was in the hospital. Ellie felt bad as she knew most of the burden was on her eldest son, David. She was a mama bear worrying about her bear cubs.

I asked Ellie if she ever looks at her kids as adults or are they still just kids to her. She smiled and said that yes, they are, and always will be, her kids. She made me smile as once a mother, always a mother. How amazing and wonderful is that?


HER KIDS

She has raised three kids.
She taught them well.
They all want to help her now
since her move into the care facility.

She had been living alone until last week
when her health problems became much worse.
It happened so suddenly; no time to prepare.
She needs more help now than ever before.

She hates to bother her kids.
She says they are all so busy.
But she needs someone to bring her clothes;
to sort through her belongings; to help pay her bills.

In spite of it all, she’ll smile so easily.
Never once feeling sorry for herself.
Knowing she needs them,
but not wanting to burden her kids.

It is a mother’s prerogative to worry about them.
It has always been and will continue to be that way.
Even though she is now ninety-seven years old
and they are seventy-five, seventy and fifty eight.

But when all is said and done,
she is just a mom
protecting and loving
          her three young kids. 

PATHS

I have experienced so many coincidences in my work as a hospice social worker. I do not believe in coincidences as believe it is our higher power at play. When I first met “Alice” and her family, I had no idea that we had a connection. Unbeknownst to all of us, I had met several of Alice’s family members at my cousin’s wedding several years ago.

Four days ago, I first met Alice to admit her to hospice. She was in the hospital and so anxious just to get home. Fortunately, we were able to arrange for Alice to be discharged that afternoon. Alice lives with her husband of forty years, “Jessie”. Jessie was standing by Alice’s bedside. It was so obvious how much he loved her. Alice’s two daughters and a son-in-law were also there.

Alice shared that she had no fears about dying as knew she was going to a better place. Her only concern was leaving her family. Alice has an extremely, large, extended family. They have lived in the same small, rural country town for years. Alice and Jessie are well known and loved by so many in their community.

I felt an instant connection with Alice and her family. They laughed and loved so easily. They so appreciated anything and everything that anyone did for them. They were so gracious. Little did I know then, that I would meet up with Alice’s family again.

Four days later, when I got to the office, I heard that Alice died thirty minutes before. My earlier schedule got shifted and so I was available to drive out to the their home to support the family.

The morning we admitted Alice to hospice, I spoke with my cousin, Jessica, who was telling me about her best friend’s grandmother going onto hospice. Our satellite connection was poor and I couldn’t catch the name of her friend’s grandmother. When I walked out to my car after admitting Alice to our program, I saw that Jessica had texted Alice’s name on my phone. Coincidently, Alice was Jessica’s best friend’s grandmother.

By helping Alice and her family, I also felt that I was helping my cousin Jessica. A double bonus for me. It is a humbling and grateful feeling to have been involved. I do not think it was a coincidence. I believe it was my higher power. I felt I was meant to meet this amazing family. The whole experience felt so right. It is the spirituality of my work at play and why I continue to do what I do. Go in peace, Alice.


PATHS


We met four days ago in the hospital.
Her wish was to just get home.
We arranged transportation that same day,
not knowing we’d meet up again so soon.

Neither of us knew or were aware
that our paths had crossed once before.
It felt so comfortable being with them.
Somehow, were we meant to meet again?

My appointment was running late.
I missed the admission I had planned to do.
She died today and I was suddenly available.
Was this sequence of events planned that way?

We realized we had met before.
Our connection was my cousin, their friend.
Was a higher power directing our way
so our paths would cross again?

It doesn’t matter if it was serendipity or chance.
The important thing is that I just know; I just believe
that I was honored to be there.
So thankful
         that again
                  our paths did cross. 

ST CHARLES

“John”, eighty-six, suffers from end stage cardiac disease. John was admitted to the hospital yesterday with shortness of breath. John told his doctors that he is done with any further treatment and wants to have comfort measures only. It was then John’s doctor made a referral to hospice.

John lives with “Nellie”, his wife of sixty-two years. It is so obvious how much John loves Nellie. John said that he had no fear about dying as has strong Catholic beliefs of God and the afterlife. He knows that he will be okay. John’s only concern is about Nellie. I told John that we will make sure that Nellie will be okay as hospice follows for thirteen months afterwards. John gave me a big smile and squeezed my hand.

John and Nellie have three sons, of which two live out of state. Charles, their youngest son, lives with his parents and is the primary caregiver for both. Charles owns his own mailbox business and took a day off today to meet with us. Charles knows his mother can no longer care for his dad and, with help from the hospital and hospice, we are transferring him to a skilled nursing facility today.

The nurse and I initially met Charles alone out in the hallway. Charles gave both of us a “heads-up” about his mother’s outbursts. When we walked into the hospital room, Nellie immediately got up and stalked out of the room while sarcastically telling Charles, ”It is obvious how you don’t care what I think.” The nurse and I explained our hospice program to Charles and John, while Nellie stayed sitting outside in the hallway.

When it came time to sign the admission paperwork, Charles and I walked outside to find a sitting area. When Nellie saw us, she immediately got up and followed us to a small conference room. I started to educate Charles about the paperwork and where we needed his signature. Each item I explained, Nellie would complain with sarcasm and paranoia. Hospice is totally covered by one’s insurance. With Nellie’s short term memory, she would forget our conversation within minutes, thinking we were selling her some unneeded insurance.

I later asked Charles how he handles his mother’s wrath along with his dad’s declining health. Charles answered, “One day at a time. One moment at a time.” I told him what a beautiful job he is doing, It was then that I called him St. Charles. He seemed surprised, but then just glowed.

Caregivers do not know what a challenge it can be. Also, most are not aware of what a difference and impact they are making on a loved one’s life. When it is time for a caregiver to cross over, I know they will jump to the head of the line. My heart aches for Nellie and her stressful perception of her life. Fortunately she has a strong family who will continue to love and care for her. I wish her and her family peace.


ST. CHARLES
　
　

His aging parents are both struggling.
His dad with his body; his mom with her mind.
His heart is not working as it should.
Her confusion is causing paranoia and anger.

She just doesn’t quite understand
that she can no longer care for him.
He needs a lot more help now
so they are moving him to a facility today.

Her angry outbursts roll off her son’s back.
He knows it is not his mom inside.
He stays calm and listens quietly.
He has the patience of a saint.

He worries about his dad.
He knows he doesn’t have long to live.
He tries hard to focus on both of their needs.
Dementia only allows her to look at herself.

He’ll continue to be a dutiful son.
He’ll continue to do what he needs to do. 
He’ll calmly do the right thing for both parents
with patience, compassion, tolerance and love.
         St. Charles.